Accidental Baby Profanity (read at your own risk)

Posted on April 20, 2010 by Curtis Williams

    Okay, can we please talk about a hilarious and often mortifying condition of having young creatures in our lives that have not a firm grasp on language nor a filter through which to censor anything they may say - it's called A.B.P., Accidental Baby Profanity.    Example:  One day my 2 yr old daughter, Adeline, is running through the house naked.  What's cuter than that?  Exactly - nothing.  So I start chasing her saying, "I'm gonna bite that bottom!  You better run!  I'm gonna bite that bottom!"  then I grab her and lift her up and give her a gentle loving bite on the butt.  She starts laughing hysterically and through her giggles she exclaims, "Daddy, you bit my bagina!"---My wife and I stood there shocked.  Okay, everyone FREEZE!  Nobody move!  Nobody is leaving this house until we have a crash course on anatomy!  Of course it was all we could do to keep from ROTFLOAO!  My wife and I never could decide on an appropriately cute term for Addy's hoohah (see?) so we had just started calling it what it was, thinking we were doing her a favor by introducing mature terminology.  Now I'm just paranoid that we're going to be in church some day and she's going to flash back on that moment and just shout it out during the Lord's Prayer.     Teaching kids the "right" things to do and say is a tricky, thin tightrope to walk.  Often times, the right things they do are met with sober praise and encouragement from us.  And then, when they do something inappropriate, it often elicits an involuntary laugh or surprise reaction - which is so much more fun, so they remember it and repeat it.  Several months ago, we were all lying in our bed in the morning when all of a sudden Addy hears something and says, "Wassat?"  "That's a woodpecker - it's outside our window.  a woodpecker is a type of bird."  She walks to the window and innocently turns back to us and says, "I wanna see da pecker."  My wife and I chuckle (by the way, my wife and I are incredibly immature).  "No, it's a WOODpecker.  It's a bird that uses its beak to poke a hole in trees and that's where it lives with its family."  Addy ponders this for a moment, looks back out the window, turns back to us and says, "I wanna see da pecker's hole."  Yes, of course we laughed again and of course Addy repeated it and of course she's going to say that on Santa's lap one day in response to "...and what do you want for Christmas little girl?"     How is any parent supposed to keep a straight face when subject to extreme A.B.P?!  I'm sure someday a pharmaceutical company will develop a drug for it ("Does your child suffer from A.B.P.?").  Until then, it will probably continue to happen and we will probably continue to combat it with tight "Don't Laugh!"s shot at our guffawing spouses in between our own stifled chuckles and teary eyes.  Now that I've cleared the air about this condition, I feel free to admit that I think it is hands down one of the best parts of being a parent.

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